


Being Pretty is Different than Being Loved

by KaiOhMy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, M/M, OT12 (EXO), One Shot, Smut, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:40:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23727730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaiOhMy/pseuds/KaiOhMy
Summary: After unearthing a series of insecurities about his body, Xiumin struggles with disordered eating in order to please himself and others. Xiumin's situation does not go unnoticed however, as Lay provides him with encouragment and affection.
Relationships: Kim Minseok | Xiumin/Zhang Yi Xing | Lay
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	Being Pretty is Different than Being Loved

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> Although it is highly probable that Xiumin dealt with disordered eating in the past, I am not saying that it is a fact. It has not been formally confirmed or denied, so I am not confirming or denying anything (although he has opened up about his past struggles with "yo-yo dieting"). I am only using the possibility of Xiumin having had issues with disordered eating in the past and Lay voicing his concern for my story. I do not want anyone to take offense from this story or think that I am glorifying eating disorders. I know this story could be triggering for some people so if you don't like it, don't read it. Thank you:)  
> (reposted from asianfanfics)
> 
> "Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart"- William Wordsworth

His reflection in the mirror stared back at him. His eyes traced his imperfect features, cheeks that were too round, a stomach that was too soft. Xiumin was jealous. All the other members looked so perfect, fit so well in their frames. Constantly being around such perfection, Xiumin could not help but to feel self-conscious about his soft belly and chubby cheeks. He knew people noticed. Trainers, fans. Even his members. They called his rounded features cute, but Xiumin could not help but to feel degraded. Everyone else had a body that could meet standards, and no matter what anyone else said, Xiumin felt that his body did not.

 _What am I doing wrong?_ It had not quite been two years since EXO had debuted and he still faced the stigma of not being quite thin enough. He worked just as hard as the other members of EXO, but their intensive training did not yield the same results in him that was evident in the other members. Xiumin was frustrated with himself. He was constantly placed in irrelevant positions, constantly overshadowed by the visual members of the band. He knew he was good at dancing and the trainers knew it too. Yet his skills were still shrouded by the other members.

Xiumin had tried to convince himself that he was enough. He had debuted, he had gotten this far. But looking now, running his hands over his pale skin and filled in features, he could not help but think that it was not enough. Xiumin’s brow furrowed. He had to work harder, he had to look better. He had to get rid of the grotesque image he saw in the mirror and replace it with something worth looking at.

Xiumin was thrusted back into reality as he heard Suho’s voice sounding from the other side of the door,

“Hyung, dinner’s ready!”

Doubt lay simmering beneath his skin as his reply caught in the dryness of his throat. Maybe he shouldn’t. His body stood rigid with stiffness as his lips parted to answer his leader, his voice peaking at the last word,

“I’m not hungry right now.”

“Alright, come eat when you’re ready.”

Xiumin’s heartbeat stammered in his chest. _Will I ever be ready?_ He tore his gaze away from the mirror and from the cowering boy that stood within it.

He could feel a tear resting in the corner of his mouth.

…

Lay sat in front of his laptop, stringing words together and bending melodies into music. The faint scratching of his pencil ran across the paper as he made notes and adjustments. He kneaded the lyrics into the song, tasting the sound of each word carefully before intertwining it into the music. Lay painted upon silence, healing his aching limbs and tired body, clearing his mind of clutter and washing away the dust from the beating in his chest.

He smiled to himself and internally rejoiced as the notes he weaved together reflected the sound of his mind. Pleased with himself, Lay stood up with a stretch. The sudden wave of inspiration that had fueled his most recent flow of writing slowly ebbed away, leaving him drained yet satisfied. He wandered over to the kitchen, greeting Kai and Baekhyun with a yawn as he riffled through the cupboards for a package of ramen. 

Xiumin entered the room as Lay placed a pot of water on the stove. Lay noticed that Xiumin was wearing clothes for a workout as he ran a water bottle under the tap.

“Are you leaving for a work out?” Lay asked just as Xiumin was about to exit the room. He found it odd, they had already worked with their personal trainers that day.

“Yeah,” Xiumin replied, “I just want to get another workout in before bed.”

“Do you want something to eat before you go?” Lay asked, gesturing to the boiling water and the uncooked ramen resting coyly against the countertop.

Xiumin waved a hand distractedly, “No I’ll be fine, I’ll just eat after.”

“Alright…” Lay watched his hyung leave, one of his shoelaces trailing pathetically upon the floor, trying in vain to keep up with the rest of Xiumin’s worn out trainers. Lay turned back to his cooking, Kai and Baekhyun chatting nonchalantly as his thoughts wandered wearily around his mind. _Has Minseok hyung eaten anything today?_ He could not recall him eating breakfast or lunch, or even a meager snack all day.

A small crease appeared between his eyebrows as he considered the situation. He knew that Xiumin had been insecure about his body in the past but he had managed to work off any excess weight during his trainee days. Was Xiumin fasting? Lay knew that this was fairly common in the entertainment industry and had seen it done on several occasions. But he had never known Xiumin to engage in any fasting or quick fixes. Lay tried to reassure himself. _It’s probably nothing, I’m sure he’s fine._

But a flicker of doubt still fluttered in his chest.

…

Weeks had gone by and each time he stepped on the scale, Xiumin was greeted by a lower number. A raging flow of ecstasy coursed through his veins at each sight of a lighter weight. It made the purgatory in his stomach and twanging pangs of hunger that much more bearable. His clothes hung loosely from his shrinking frame and his body grew frail and weak. But still he looked in the mirror and thought, _I can do more, I can be thinner._

Xiumin reduced himself to eating only one meal every two days, and he hated himself everytime he swallowed meager mouthfuls of food. He was disgusted that his body whined in desperation as he dehydrated it and deprived it from the calories it so desperately needed. But he was even more so disgusted when his body thanked him on the rare occasions that he did allow himself to obtain small amounts of nourishment. He danced and ran and trained to the point of exhaustion. His tortured limbs pleaded with him each time he exerted energy, willing him to rest, willing him to eat. But he refused to allow himself to succumb.

Xiumin was determined to get better, determined to reach the standards that society expected him to meet. And if that meant overworking himself, if that meant starving himself, then that was what he had to do. He practiced longer and harder than any of the other members, engraving each set of choreography into the memory of his slowly deteriorating muscles and limbs. 

Xiumin entered EXO’s dorm after having spent an extra hour practicing a new set of choreography. He was pleased with himself, he relished the feeling of his breath tightening in his chest as he struggled to make his way up the stairs, reveled in the reeling sensation of his head spinning as his body struggled to maintain stability.

He entered the dorm to find D.O. in the kitchen preparing dinner for everyone. Lay and Luhan sat at the kitchen counter chatting amiably and annoying D.O. with every chance they got. Xiumin approached them, leaning against the counter and slipping into the conversation.

Lay gave him a dimpled smile as Luhan turned to him,

“Holy shit hyung, go take a shower!”

Xiumin laughed lightheartedly as he felt a bead of sweat blossom from his temple and slide down the side of his face. Luhan continued,

“You look great though, you’ve really lost a lot of weight.”

D.O. nodded in agreement. Xiumin felt proud of himself but was struck with a scorching degree of guilt at Lay’s words that followed suit,

“I don’t know hyung… I wish you would eat more.”

Xiumin felt Lay’s gaze boring into him sadly, vacant eyes briefly scanning his body. Xiumin shrugged it off,

“I’m doing just fine. I’m really pleased with the results I’m finding.”

The conversation shifted, but Xiumin could not help but to feel ashamed. He could feel Lay’s concern hanging heavily in the air, along with the thick layer of tension that he valiantly made an effort to ignore. He headed to the bathroom after dismissing D.O.’s offer of dinner and hopped in the shower. He watched the water trailing across his body. His skin was pulled taut over his rib cage and his hips jutted out from his body, almost as if they were trying to break through his flesh. 

Soap suds pooled at the bottom of the shower, swirling and foaming in tired circles around the drain. He reminded himself that this was what he wanted, that this was what he had to do if he wanted to be successful. But he could not shake away the sense that a part of him was disappearing along with the water down the drain.

He stepped out of the shower, dried himself off, and made his way to his and Chen’s bedroom. Chen sat on his bed, listening to music and wearing a face mask. Xiumin announced his presence so as not to startle him,

“Hey Jongdae.”

Chen glanced up at him, “Hey hyung.” 

Xiumin sat in front of the mirror and performed his nightly skincare routine. Chen yawned widely and his eyes grew heavy as Xiumin toned and moisturized his face. Chen eventually took his facemask off just as Xiumin began to change his clothes for bed.

“Hyung…”

Xiumin stood rigid with stiffness as Chen approached him. Xiumin wore only a pair of faded grey sweatpants and Chen wore only a raw expression of shock. He flinched as Chen grazed his fingertips along Xiumin’s rib cage, fingers jolting with each ridge of his torso. Xiumin impulsively drew away from him, pulling his shirt on over his head and covering his fragile body with haste.

Chen spoke once more, “Minseok…”

“It’s nothing Jongdae.” Xiumin spat, his words tasting bitter on his tongue. He left Chen in a stunned silence in the middle of the room as he strode to the opposite wall and crawled into bed. They rested in a stillborn silence until finally, Chen turned off the lights and he too climbed into bed. 

Shame and guilt infested his mind as he tried to disappear into the darkness, to hide in a place where no one could reach him. The emptiness in his stomach spread to his mind as the darkness pressed up against the window.

... 

Lay grew steadily more worried as he witnessed Xiumin’s rapidly shrinking frame. His attitude never seemed to change however, and his apparent happiness never seemed to waver. Lay cringed every time he heard the trainers complimenting Xiumin’s weight loss and wished they would tell him to stop instead, tell him to eat more, tell him he was destroying himself. But they only encouraged him, and his body was slowly eroding away into nothingness.

He was constantly keeping an eye on him, making sure he was resting and eating something. They gradually spent more and more time together and Lay began to realise how much he cared for him. He loved Xiumin’s gummy smile and cheeky laugh. He loved his constant, unintentional aegyo and cute noises he made to express happiness or displeasure. But Lay couldn’t help but notice that the strong hyung he had grown to love was wasting away. The more he became absorbed in losing weight, the less Lay saw of his real self.

And no one seemed to notice. Xiumin was disappearing, becoming a hidden boy in an invisible body. Lay could not help holding onto the deranged hope that it wasn’t as bad as he feared, that he was simply blowing things out of proportion, but he could sense Xiumin’s suffering hiding in the corners of his words and gestures.

Every time Lay considered confronting him, any words he had prepared vanished from his throat at the sight of the broken boy. Instead, Lay did everything he could to make him laugh, to make him smile, to bring some amount of happiness into a world that was slowly slipping from Xiumin’s grasp.

Lay and Xiumin wrestled playfully on the couch of their dorm, Lay was careful not to hurt him, careful not to crack the boy that seemed to be made of glass. Xiumin squealed as Lay lightly grabbed his ass, trying in vain to evade his mischievous hands. Xiumin grew tired easily and they were soon laying together, panting in an effort to regain their breath. They looked knotted together on the couch, Lay gently hugging the delicate boy who lay across him and whose breath drew in and out on him. And in that moment, he remembered so vividly the boy he had been.

…

Over the course of several weeks, Xiumin found that he and Lay were growing closer. He was a constant presence that gave Xiumin a sense of security and comfort. Lay’s pale skin and dimpled smile made his stomach flutter, and each moment they spent together nursed the blossom of hope that had risen in Xiumin’s chest. Lay stirred something inside of Xiumin, an unsettling feeling he recognized as desire.

It was midday and Xiumin sat on the kitchen floor with Lay as Chanyeol bustled around the room, whipping together a concoction of food. He couldn’t help but smile as Lay’s hand rested on Xiumin’s thigh, tracing mindless circles and patterns with his fingers. Xiumin snuggled closer to him, resting his head on Lay’s shoulder with a laboured sigh. He felt a sudden tenseness spring up in Lay’s frame as he leaned into him, and Xiumin was suddenly aware that Lay could feel the rigidness in his bones and emptiness in places where his body should be full. But Lay relaxed, squeezing Xiumin’s shrunken thigh before gripping his hand in his own. Lay ran the pad of his thumb along Xiumin’s wilting fingers, giving quiet consolation to Xiumin’s bony hands.

“The food’s ready!” Chanyeol chirped blissfully, oblivious to the panic that rose in Xiumin’s chest at those fatal words. Lay stood, reaching out a hand to gently guide Xiumin to his feet as Sehun entered the room to join them. It had been a day and a half since he had last eaten and Xiumin’s body pleaded with his mind as he piled his plate with the smallest portion of food he could get away with. He ignored his body’s feeble pleads and shrouded his gaze from Lay; knowing for certain that his dongsaeng silently willed him to fill his plate with just a little more.

They talked blissfully as they ate, but Xiumin remained in a primal state of fear. His body thanked him, but his mind was screaming. Each mouthful of food slid like sandpaper down his throat, begging him to reject the meager calories that his body frantically absorbed. Lay pressed his arm up against Xiumin’s shoulder reassuringly. Offering silent encouragement through the contact between them. Xiumin looked down at his hands. His nails were dry and brittle, his fingers gripping his chopsticks tightly in an effort to hide the shaking in his hands.

Xiumin helped clean up afterwards and washed the dishes with Lay as their way of thanking Chanyeol for cooking for them. Xiumin scolded Lay teasingly as he splashed Xiumin with water. He scooped up a frothy handful of soap suds and did not hesitate to transfer them onto Lay’s face.

“Minseok!” Lay spluttered as stiff peaks of foam clung to his cheek. He wiped it from his face before retaliating by flicking the soap from his hands onto Xiumin’s face. Laughter clutched at the air around them as Xiumin squeaked in mock defiance,

“Yixing! How dare you disrespect your hyung this way! You had better wipe it off right now or else I’m disowning you!” 

Lay giggled endearingly as he swept his hands over the dish towel, drying his hands before bringing his fingers to Xiumin’s face. Xiumin suppressed a shudder as Lay’s fingertips grazed his skin, swiping away the specks of foam that peppered his face.

“Last one!” Lay chirped as he leaned in to remove the remaining patch of soap from Xiumin’s cheek. He drew closer to him and brought his lips to the skin that rested upon Xiumin’s cheekbone. Xiumin stood motionless; Lay’s lips were dry yet gentle, crushing the meek bubbles that clung to Xiumin’s cheek. His lips assassinated the foam and pressed up against his skin for only a moment, before pulling away with a dimpled smile.

Xiumin tried to hide his reddening face, a light blush dusting his cheeks. They managed to finish the dishes without any catastrophes or disinheritance and Xiumin remained on the border between hope and detestation. He craved to feel Lay’s lips pressed against his own, to feel his lips pressed against any part of him.

He headed to the bathroom after they were done, taking a piss before his gaze fell blindly onto his reflection in the mirror. Xiumin stared into the sunken eyes he met in his reflection, realising his moment of happiness had only been a distraction.

He lifted his shirt, distaste rippling through his mind at what he saw. He just wasn’t thin enough. _How could anyone find him attractive like this?_ His nerves wavered. _How could Yixing find him attractive like this?_ He released them hem of his shirt, watching it swing loosely from his body. He ran a nervous hand through his pale hair, telling himself everything was going to be fine. But he was struck with a wave of shock as he pulled his hand away.

Countless strands of hair lay wedged between his fingers. He seemed to be molting. He brushed the hair off of his hands and brought his attention back to his reflection. He inspected his face. Xiumin’s plump baozi cheeks no longer looked like the fluffy bun that gave him his nickname. Instead he was greeted by sharpened angles and a crisp jawline.

He felt a congregation of tears prickling in the corners of his eyes. _What am I doing?_ Xiumin trembled at the thoughts that plagued his mind. His anxiousness returned at the thought of eating. Xiumin resented himself for swallowing even a mouthful of food. He clenched his fists in an effort to remain calm, the day was still not over yet; he could still workout and purge himself of the calories that infested his body.

... 

As days bled into weeks, Lay grew steadily more worried. Xiumin’s body had adopted the frailty of a piece of paper. The ridges of his spine jutted out like the spokes of a wheel; each individual vertebrae straining to break through his skin. Lay made fruitless attempts at encouraging Xiumin to eat, but could only look on helplessly as he leaned against the air, as if waiting for it to finish him.

Xiumin had just returned to the dorm after having practiced a set of new choreography for the past few hours. He sat on the kitchen floor with Lay leaning up against the counter. Sweat drenched Xiumin’s clothing and pooled around his temples. A frown ripened in the crease of Lay’s brow as he spoke gently,

“I wish you would eat more.” The edge of a plea shone through his words as Xiumin shook his head stubbornly,

“I’m fine Yixing, don’t worry about me.” His voice was laboured and his breath was short.

“You know I’ll always worry about you hyung.” Lay paused and heaved a sigh, gesturing towards the empty water bottle clutched in Xiumin’s hands, “At least get some more water.”

Xiumin sighed in return and struggled to his feet. There was a moment's pause where Xiumin stood and blinked heavily, reeling, and a flash of panic rose up inside of Lay as Xiumin staggered into him. Xiumin slumped against him as his legs began to buckle. Shock rippled through Lay as he supported him, straining to keep him upright.

“Hyung…” 

Xiumin’s head lolled into his chest as his eyes disappeared into the back of his head.

_“Hyung!”_

Lay was afraid that Xiumin’s body would break as he half dragged, half carried him to Xiumin and Chen’s room. He laid him down on his bed as gently as he could, a flicker of hope arising in his chest as Xiumin’s eyes fluttered open blearily. But Lay’s dread only thickened at the sight of his broken body. He remained in a state of delirium as he called throughout the dorm, willing someone to help him. But no one else was there, he and Xiumin were alone. He brought his attention back to the brittle boy that lay in pieces.

Xiumin’s body trembled violently and his breath came in laboured gasps. Lay hastily drew the blankets over him, willing Xiumin to draw in the warmth that his body desperately lacked. Lay was at a loss of what to do. He sat on the bed next to him and rubbed Xiumin’s shoulder desolately, trying to bring just as much comfort to him as he was to himself. Xiumin’s quaking body gradually quieted, and the only way Lay could tell he was alive was by the heaving in his chest.

He remained motionless beside him for a few minutes before Xiumin’s eyes opened groggily once more. Lay shifted closer as Xiumin spoke,

“Yixing…”

And a piece of Lay cracked as his name wobbled in Xiumin’s throat. Lay rushed to fetch him a glass of water as his vision cleared. Lay helped him sit up and guided his hands to bring the water to his lips. Xiumin gulped it down slowly, and Lay helped him lay back down once the last drop of water slipped past his lips.

“I’ll be right back.” Lay whispered lightly as he gripped the empty glass in his hand. He went back to the kitchen and heated up a container of food from the fridge, refilling the glass before returning to Xiumin. He managed to sit up on his own this time as Lay sat in his spot at the edge of the bed.

“Please eat some Minseok hyung.” He passed the warm bowl and metal chopsticks into Xiumin’s diminishing hands, “It’s kimchi and rice. The only way you’ll feel any better is if you eat some.”

Looking defeated, Xiumin took a tentative bite. The air pulsed with tension as Lay formed his thoughts into words. Pulling the lump in his throat out with his teeth, Lay spoke,

“You don’t have to do this to yourself.”

Xiumin paused, setting his bowl aside. Lay could see he was building something with his words. Xiumin muttered softly,

“It’s not that simple.” He shifted his weight and flinched as Lay retaliated,

“No one is going to love you less if you eat hyung. It hurts me seeing you like this. I just want you to be healthy.” Lay paused as Xiumin looked down at his hands. Lay reached over and rested his fingers upon his, “You’re being cruel Minseok.”

Lay thought Xiumin was going to speak, but instead he pulled him closer, wrapping his spindly arms around his torso. Lay held him tightly, Xiumin burying his face in the crook of his neck.

“I’m so sorry Yixing.” His hands scrabbled at Lay’s back, hugging him closely. “I’ll try. I’ll try to get better…”

A rush of tenderness swept through Lay as they pulled their bodies apart. He leaned closer once more, pressing his lips to Xiumin’s jawline, just below his earlobe. Just as Lay was about to pull away however, Xiumin slipped his hand behind Lay’s neck and slowly pulled his face towards his own.

Their lips fastened. Lay leaned into him and breathed deeply. His hand sought refuge upon Xiumin’s thigh as he parted his mouth slightly. Xiumin brushed his tongue along Lay’s bottom lip before making a timid entrance into his mouth. His thin lips were pale and sweet as Lay leaned into him, the hand that gripped the back of his neck tightening. A sense of bliss flooded through Lay’s veins as he found reassurance and comfort hiding in Xiumin’s lips.

All too soon, their mouths fell apart. Xiumin smiled sheepishly as Lay’s cheeks inflamed to a deep red. Lay cleared his throat abrasively, waving a hand in the direction of Xiumin’s food,

“You should finish eating.”

They spoke lightly as Xiumin ate the rest of his meal. Lay kept him in bed, willing him to rest. Iron fingers of cold caressed Xiumin’s body, his frame too thin to retain any heat. Lay sat close to him, covering him with blankets and sharing his body heat with his hyung. Lay made an effort to put him at ease as they spoke; Xiumin’s voice was hurt, and his voice was comfort.

The evening had been aged and ripened by the time the other members of EXO returned to the dorm. Lay told them that Xiumin had not been feeling well, catching Luhan and Kris exchanging worried glances. Chen immediately hurried into his and Xiumin’s room, Lay promptly following suit. Chen had adopted the same position that Lay had held on the edge of Xiumin’s bed. Lay stood in the doorway as Chen made a valiant attempt to pull an explanation out of his hyung, Xiumin replying dryly,

“I think I just stood up too fast. Yixing has been taking good care of me though.” He rubbed his eyes blearily, a sad smile sitting wearily upon his face.

“Have you eaten anything?” Chen asked.

Xiumin nodded, distress lining the angles of Chen’s face. Lay glanced at his watch, it was getting late,

“Jongdae.”

Chen looked up expectantly as Lay continued,

“I’m heading to bed, just make sure that Minseok hyung is warm.” Lay exited the room to head to the shower, his chest throbbing on behalf of his hyung. And he felt a wave of gratitude for Chen, as he crawled into bed beside him.

…

Xiumin gradually allowed himself to eat small amounts of food. By starving himself, Xiumin was not just hurting himself, but the people around him. For them he ate, for them he tried to get better. Lay never pushed him, never pressured him to eat more than he was comfortable with, but he still made sure that Xiumin was no longer depriving himself of the nutrients he needed.

He gained weight back little by little, Lay telling him he was beautiful all the while. It was hard at first. Stepping on the scale and discovering a higher number, brought him to tears. His frame began to fill out again, but Xiumin longed for the sight of his skeleton pulled taut against his flesh. 

His members were pleased to see him looking healthy again. He told them that he was getting better, but they could never quite see the abyss in him. He was eating again, but he felt like he was hiding himself in the illusion that he was healthy. His confidence continued to dwindle as he adopted a healthier weight, never having anything kind to say about himself. But Lay was there for him. No matter what, Lay was always there for him.

Lay distracted him when the doubt that rested in the back of his mind grew louder. Lay coaxed him away from the edge of falling back into restriction. Lay comforted him when he knew he was struggling to feel content as he drew farther away from his sickly weight. But most importantly, Lay made him happy. 

Every moment spent with Lay was a moment where he could always find a shred of contentment. The more they spent time together, the less Xiumin began to worry about food. Having Lay allowed him to focus on something besides his weight; it allowed him to focus on the bond that had formed between them.

Their days were filled with soft kisses and sweet nothings. Xiumin yearned for closeness, each moment of contact between them giving him what he needed to conquer each day. The rest of EXO caught on to their affair without much trouble, and no one seemed to mind. Chen had even offered to switch rooms with Lay, so he and Xiumin could spend their nights together without the need for fear of intrusion.

But although the state of Xiumin’s body improved, the state of his mind did not.

…

Lay gradually felt at ease as Xiumin’s physical well being made progress. He knew that Xiumin still struggled with himself, but getting him to reach a healthy weight again was only the first step. But the majority of Lay’s worry had been eroded away by bliss. Despite his occasional moments of desolation, he could tell that Xiumin was happier. And Xiumin’s happiness was Lay’s happiness. 

Lay felt as though his heart might burst through his chest every time Xiumin flashed his gummy smile. He felt as though his body might melt into a puddle every time he felt the brush of his fingers. Felt as though his legs might give way underneath him every time their lips met.

The night was still raw as Lay entered his and Xiumin’s room. He had just taken a shower after a long day at work learning new choreography and recording new songs. He stepped through the door, bare chested and wearing an old pair flannel pajama pants. Xiumin perked up when Lay entered, his catlike eyes squinting mischievously at the sight if his chiseled chest and concrete stomach.

He stood up and greeted Lay with a quick kiss, hands lingering upon his smooth chest. Lay felt a tug at his naval. When Xiumin touched him, his hands felt different, almost as though they were guided by separate purposes. He gazed up at Lay intensely, and there was no mistaking what he wanted, and the curve of his eyelids showed that he was determined to get it. Lips parted, Xiumin’s thumb skims his jawline. Overcome with temptation, Lay kissed him hungrily, hands springing to his waist and pulling him closer.

Lay could feel Xiumin smiling through the kiss and could sense the satisfaction simmering underneath his skin. Under Xiumin’s control; Lay was helpless. He shivered weakly as Xiumin’s hand adopted its favorite place on the back of Lay’s neck. They leaned into each other, tongues fighting for dominance. Lay drank in the texture of Xiumin’s buttery smooth lips, embracing his mouth with his own. The hands that rested upon Xiumin’s waist traveled lower, thumbs hooking around his waistband and pulling him closer. With their hips pressed together, Lay became aware of Xiumin’s hardening member, and his own pants grew tighter.

Grabbing hold of him and swinging him around, he layed Xiumin down on his bed gently. Xiumin sat up briefly as Lay pulled his shirt up over his head. Tossing Xiumin’s shirt aside, Lay gazed down at the boy beneath him. Xiumin seemed to shrink into himself, ashamed of the body that he had on display. But Lay thought he couldn’t be more perfect. A distant line of abs toned Xiumin’s stomach, Lay’s fingers grazing his happy trail. He leaned over him, enveloping his hyung in a heated kiss. Lay paused, pressing their foreheads together, the heat of his breath ghosting over Xiumin’s slightly parted lips.

“You’re so beautiful Minseok...” His words faded away as Lay kissed Xiumin’s collarbone. He sucked and bit on the tender skin, leaving behind a bruised patch the color of violet rum. Lay moved lower, placing kisses over the entirety of Xiumin’s chest and torso; stamping hickeys across his skin, marking him as his own. Xiumin squirmed beneath him, biting his lips, his body aching with desire. Lay pulled away with a smirk and clasped his hand around the bugle in Xiumin’s pants. He felt Xiumin’s member swell to a greater size as he palmed him through his jeans. 

Xiumin whimpered slightly, covering his face with his forearms and hiding in the crooks of his elbows. Lay reached his hands up with a small smile. Gripping Xiumin’s wrists, he gently pulled them away from the beautiful face that lay shrouded beneath them.

“Don’t hide from me.” Lay murmured, “I want to see you.” 

Lay grinned as Xiumin’s face flushed with embarrassment, refusing to meet his eyes. Without further hesitation, Lay began to unbutton Xiumin’s pants. Their fingers tumbled together in Xiumin’s haste to help him. Lay slid the final piece of clothing away from Xiumin’s body carefully, slowly revealing his hyung to him. Biting his lips at Xiumin’s mass, Lay began to remove his own pants, stepping out of them quickly and tossing them aside.

As he knelt to the floor, Lay caressed Xiumin’s milky thighs, spreading his legs wide. His mouth watered at the sight of Xiumin’s tight entrance, hungry for a taste of his hyung. Lay grazed his tongue over the tender opening, lapping at the puckered hole. Xiumin wriggled slightly, breathing unevenly. Lay teased him ruthlessly, circling his tongue around Xiumin’s entrance mockingly. He crammed his tongue inside of Xiumin, probing in and out, his jaw working away to loosen him.

Lay pulled away, shuffling closer to the nightstand and removing a small bottle of lube from a drawer. Twisting the cap off, he coated his fingers thickly. Lay’s fingers slipped beneath Xiumin’s groin, seeking out the opening between his legs. Xiumin fidgeted as pressure was applied, sighing resonantly as Lay’s fingers finally found their way inside of him. Lay scissored his fingers, pleased at how Xiumin’s entrance compiled so willingly to him. Lay curled his fingers and Xiumin bucked his hips blissfully, his walls stretching effortlessly within Lay’s grasp.

Standing up, Lay poured a generous amount of lube onto his hardened member, throbbing in anticipation. Grasping Xiumin’s waist tightly, he gripped the base of his cock and guided it to Xiumin’s entrance. Lay strained with the effort of entering him. Although Xiumin had been prepped, Lay’s fingers could not prepare him for his thick girth. Sinking further into him, Lay was sure to be gentle, not wanting to damage Xiumin’s delicate frame.

Lay pulled back, leaving only his tip inside of Xiumin, before snapping his hips forward. Xiumin’s whole body lurched as he squeezed his eyes tight shut.

“You okay?”

Lay was answered with a gasp and a nod. He went slow, easing Xiumin past the initial pain. Lay gradually quickened his pace, thrusting into Xiumin carefully. Lay felt small fingers curl around his wrist, nails biting into his skin, urging him for more. Lay drove his cock deep inside of Xiumin, thrusting faster and harder. Xiumin’s breathing steadied as a lewd groan ushered from his lips. Lay leaned his head back as he pounded into him. He clamped his mouth shut, biting back a moan as his voice stuck in his throat.

Xiumin trembled and Lay leaned forward. He went further into him, slamming his cock into the spot that made Xiumin squirm with pleasure. Desperate to escape, Lay allowed his first moan to float past his lips as Xiumin deliberately tightened himself around Lay’s girth. Lay thrusted harder, beating against Xiumin’s tight walls.

Out of breath, Lay pulled out, only to be pulled onto the bed by Xiumin. Lay sat leaning against the wall, watching excitedly as Xiumin straddled him. Xiumin lined himself up, sliding down the length of Lay’s shaft with a thick moan. Smoothly rolling his body, Xiumin swiveled his hips and bit Lay’s ear; running his tongue along the crest and placing a kiss upon his earlobe. Lay arched his back, Xiumin rolling his hips down to meet him.

Xiumin tipped his head back, his mouth gaping in a silent moan. His body jolted up and down, gripping Lay’s shoulders with his hands. Back pressed up against the wall, faint bruises formed upon Lay’s spine as his body convulsed with ecstasy. He shuddered with each roll of Xiumin’s body, and he grew lost in each movement of his hips.

Xiumin began to slow, head hanging and body trembling. Gingerly kissing Xiumin’s breastbone, Lay extracted himself from his hyung. Disoriented by desire, Lay directed Xiumin to lay on his stomach. Xiumin arched his back as Lay lined up his twitching member. He placed a hand in the dip of his back, and without further warning, Lay thrusted into him fast and hard. 

Xiumin yelped in surprise as Lay pounded into him. He grunted, Xiumin’s tight walls alleviating the ache in his throbbing cock. Xiumin lay flat on his stomach, hands gripping the sheets and face buried into the blankets. Lay’s stomach coiled as pure pleasure ate away at his body. Xiumin’s entire body began to quiver as he arched his back, shooting his load onto the bed sheets beneath him. Lay drove deeper, burying his dick deep inside of him. With a final thrust that abused Xiumin’s prostate, Lay came. Filling him up with creamy white liquid, Lay refused to let Xiumin feel empty once he pulled out.

Xiumin flopped onto his back as Lay collapsed onto the bed beside him. They lay panting, basking in the afterglow with legs tangled and fingers intertwined. Lay curled into the comfortable silence gratefully; there was nothing left to say, for their bodies had spoken for them.

…

Night had just given birth to day as Lay worked away at his computer. He basked in the early hours of the morning, composing music in a steady flow. He molded the raw melodies and fresh notes, kneading them together and smoothing them out. He embroidered the sounds of his heart into the linen of the song.

He felt a nimble pair of arms wrap around his chest from behind. Xiumin placed a chaste kiss upon Lay’s shoulder before passing him a cup of coffee; he felt all the bones within him. Lay stole a quick peck from him before he sat across from him at the table. Xiumin clutched his mug, holding it close to his body and feeding off of its warmth. 

Lay felt completely crippled by the self-crushing love he felt for the boy that sat across from him. Xiumin was buried inside the songs. Lay played a fragment of his music and Xiumin’s face immediately cracked into his gummy smile. His face lit up like kindling, sparked by an infant flame. Xiumin spoke softly as the music faded away,

“It’s like I can hear the beating in your chest.” He paused, considering, “I feel like I’m intruding into the deepest part of you.”

Lay allowed a small smile as Xiumin flushed instantly. He sipped his coffee and shifted his attention back to the music. Xiumin’s words playing in his mind like a mantra.

...

Xiumin tried to convince himself that he was fine, but it grew harder to ignore the desolate void in his stomach. He was helplessly relapsing into his starvation, relapsing into the punishment he inflicted upon himself. Xiumin fed off of what others told him about his body, replacing food for the spoonfuls of compliments he received at achieving a slimmer frame. Lay told him he was beautiful, yet Xiumin could never truly bring himself to believe it. No matter how hard he tried to reassemble himself, Xiumin could not stop himself from crumbling away.

And so he began once more to eat less and less, losing the weight he had worked so hard to gain back, and also losing himself. Day and night he thought of nothing else. Of ways to avoid meals without anyone noticing or sneaking in an extra workout when no one was around. Xiumin was in a constant state of loving himself for gaining control over his weight and hating himself for betraying Lay’s trust.

Xiumin despised what he was doing to himself, but the results were seemingly worth it. His hair evaded his scalp, his clothes sighed at the seams. No matter how much he fought against it, Xiumin was withering away. And he grew tired of fighting it, tired of forcing food down his throat every day. And for what? To be healthy? Surely being thin was more important than that. Xiumin cried every time he looked at himself in the mirror. He wanted to be happy, but sometimes you have to sacrifice your happiness for something more important. Xiumin was unhappy, but in exchange for his happiness, Xiumin was thin.

And it did not take long for Lay to notice.

Xiumin poured himself a cup of coffee, his fingertips burning as he gripped the steaming mug. He sipped lightly, liquid comfort scalding his throat. His stomach whining in protest as the drink fell into emptiness. He glanced up as Lay padded into the kitchen. It was just the two of them in the dorm, all of the other members of EXO having gone out for the evening. Xiumin smiled as Lay approached him, reaching for his hand. Lay paused and stiffened however, gesturing to the coffee in Xiumin’s hands,

“That’s not dinner hyung…”

Xiumin clutched the mug tighter, lowering his gaze as he was swallowed by a sense of defenselessness. Lay continued, “I know what you’re doing Minseok.”

Lay’s sadness was so potent. He could feel a tear resting in the corner of his mouth. Xiumin spoke,

“You can’t fix me Yixing.” It was a simple statement of fact, without a trace of self-pity. Xiumin looked up at him, watching as a tear ripped itself loose from Lay’s eye and set a course down his cheek. A stab of guilt pierced through Xiumin’s thoughts; he hated seeing Lay like this. He hated seeing what he was doing to him. He hated seeing the pain that he had inflicted radiate from him in waves. He had never meant to hurt him. He had never meant to cause him pain. Xiumin tried to reassure him,

“It’s fine Yixing, really-” Lay cut him off sharply,

“No it’s not Minseok!”

Xiumin flinched, and the anger in Lay’s eyes melted, his voice stained by sadness,

“I love you too much too see you hurting like this.” Lay choked. 

Xiumin whipped his head up to look at him, words fighting through a sob, “But how can you love me like this?” he whispered.

Lay’s gaze softened, his face heavily abused by tears. He reached a hand towards Xiumin’s face, cupping his cheek and swiping his thumb over the defeat that clung to his skin like dew.

“Love can make anyone beautiful to me.”

Xiumin's voice cracked into a sob as he flung his arms around Lay’s shoulders, burying his face in his neck and pulling him close. Lay attacked Xiumin’s lips with his mouth, his tongue fighting with the other. Xiumin placed kisses across the entirety of Lay’s face, kissing away the tears. Kissing away the pain. He wanted to let Lay know that he was sorry, that they could work through this. Xiumin wanted to make it up to him.

Lay made an impulsive, lunging gesture towards him. He picked him up and Xiumin swung his legs around his waist, exchanging ravenous, hungry kisses. Xiumin felt Lay’s hands gripping his ass roughy, supporting him. Lay carried him as they staggered into their bedroom, swinging the door open clumsily. Giddiness erupted in Xiumin’s veins as he was tossed onto his bed, grabbing Lay by the collar and pulling him on top of him. They tore at each other’s clothing frantically, wasting no time in pressing their bare skin together.

Xiumin welcomed Lay’s lips as he marked Xiumin’s chest and neck with purpled hickies. He knew Lay liked the feeling that he was claiming him, marking his territory in the form of bruises and bites. A yelp shot from Xiumin’s throat as he felt Lay’s tongue swiftly graze his nipple. Lay’s dimpled cheeks mocked him, his eyes glossed over by a fine mist.

“You like that hyung?”

Before Xiumin could reply, Lay latched his mouth onto his nipple. A pair of nimble fingers crept up to pinch one nipple, while Lay’s mouth bit the other. Eyes wide, Xiumin arched his back, his body convulsing in ecstasy at this newfound sweet spot. Licking a circle around Xiumin’s nipple, Lay let out a needy moan. A rough tweek had Xiumin writhing beneath him, his mouth agape with lewd gasps. Lay worked his fingers and tongue rapidly, making Xiumin whine loudly as he gripped the back of Lay’s head, pushing his face closer to his chest. 

Fingers threaded in Lay’s hair, Lay latched his mouth onto Xiumin’s neck, causing the smaller man to moan loudly and grind their hips together. Their pelvises clashed, Xiumin inhaling sharply at the feeling of Lay’s hard cock pressed against his own. Xiumin wrapped his arms around Lay’s torso, gripping his toned back and rolling to pin the larger man beneath him.

Xiumin leaned down and bit Lay’s ear, taking the tender skin in his teeth and pulling away,

“On your hands and knees.” He breathed. Xiumin crawled off of him, watching in satisfaction as Lay obeyed. He sat on all fours, back facing his hyung. Xiumin crept up behind him, reaching over and guiding him down, until Lay’s face and chest were pressed against the bed sheets. Xiumin kneeled behind him and carressed Lay’s ass greedily. Xiumin licked his lips, first running a hand through Lay’s hair to make him purr. Running a hand down his thigh to make him shiver. Lay wiggled his hips, inviting Xiumin inside.

Lay sighed with pleasure as Xiumin took his first indulgence, swiping his fleshy tongue across Lay’s entrance. Xiumin kissed and licked his tight opening, relishing the taste, Lay shivering with each stroke of his tongue. Xiumin reached his hands around Lay’s waist, until his nimble fingers found Lay’s twitching member. Lay groaned as Xiumin wrapped his fingers around his girth, his jaws still working away at Lay’s entrance. Xiumin swiped his tongue and twisted his hands, sending Lay panting for more. Xiumin’s groin throbbed with longing as he pleasured his dongsaeng; eating him out and running his hands along his cock.

Xiumin grew away, wiping his mouth before Lay pulled him on top of him. After a confused moment, Xiumin lay on top, his groin at Lay’s head and Lay’s groin at his; laying in a perfect sixty-nine. Xiumin shuddered as Lay’s velvety tongue ran along the length of his shaft, and Lay gasped audibly as Xiumin’s hot breath ghosted over his angry red tip. Xiumin swiped his tongue along the slit of Lay’s swollen head, precum already dribbling from the tip. Xiumin wrapped his mouth around Lay’s member, he could barely fit all of him into his mouth, but he proceeded to bob his head.

The room was filled with the music of moans, sucking, and heated bodies. Xiumin could not stop himself from mewling pathetically as Lay ran his hands along his bent up thighs, his mouth working away at Xiumin’s cock. Xiumin paused to place a kiss upon the milky pale skin of Lay’s hip, only returning to nibble on Lay’s swollen head and causing him to moan weakly. Xiumin swirled his tongue, coating Lay’s dick in saliva and lapping up the precum that leaked from its tip. He whimpered as the pace of Lay’s mouth quickened in response, sending waves of pleasure through Xiumin’s member and riddling its way through his spine.

He rolled his hips down, feeling his cock meet the back of Lay’s throat. Lay bucked his own hips in response, thrusting into Xiumin’s mouth relentlessly. Xiumin gagged slightly as Lay’s tip rubbed against the back of his throat with each thrust. They rolled their bodies in unison, thrusting into each other’s mouths and bobbing their heads as one.

A particularly rough snap of his hips on Lay’s part sent Xiumin coughing, removing himself from Lay’s length with an erotic pop.

“Sorry hyung.” Lay giggled as Xiumin crawled off of him, kneeling on his hands and knees and presenting himself to Lay. 

“Please fuck me Yixing.” Xiumin’s voice evaded his mouth in a desperate drawl, sending shivers up Lay’s spine. Lay’s eyes became hooded with lust before grabbing a small bottle of lube from the nightstand. Xiumin’s hips quivered with anticipation, beads of sweat blossoming along his pale skin. Lay kneeled behind him,

“Do you want me to prep you?”

“Please just fuck me!” Xiumin panted in a series of laboured gasps, “I need you so bad!”

Lay raised an eyebrow with a smirk, pouring a generous amount of lube onto his hardened member. He ran his hands along the length of his shaft, rubbing the lube in thoroughly before gripping the base of his cock with one hand and gripping Xiumin’s hips with the other. Xiumin groaned with longing as Lay positioned himself, cock pressed against Xiumin’s needy entrance. Lay sank into him slowly, leveling out before pulling back and snapping his hips forward. He gripped Xiumin’s waist tightly as Xiumin balled his hands into fists. An inkling of pain sent him gritting his teeth. Xiumin hardly had time to adjust before Lay was thrusting into him fast and hard, pounding him from behind. 

Xiumin’s whole body lurched forward with each snap of Lay’s hips, his breath coming out in gasps each time he was jolted forward. Xiumin rocked his hips back into Lay, in time with each thrust. The hands on Xiumin’s hips tightened their grip, Lay grunting with the effort of driving deeper. Xiumin’s breath caught in his throat as Lay’s pace quickened, unearthing the echoing sound of skin slapping against skin. Their voices danced in the music of their bodies, making music intertwined with movement. Lay moaned and Xiumin listened, drinking in the scent of his voice, ears dripping with the sound of his breath. 

They were so much more than the joining of two bodies, so much more than the satisfaction of lust. It was intimacy transferred through touch. Lay leaned forward, and Xiumin shuddered at the feeling of his hot breath on the back of his neck. His legs quivered and his legs trembled, a torturous sense of pure ecstacy tore through Xiumin’s body and bled into his veins. Lay’s breath grew shaky as Xiumin came. He released himself onto the bed sheets beneath him, moaning sinfully. Tears welled up in his eyes as Lay hastily pulled out - cum shot out from his cock and splattered across Xiumin’s back. Thick, creamy cum lay hot and sticky upon his skin, painting the surface of his body.

Xiumin panted sinfully, flinching slightly when Lay’s tongue met his back, licking away his own juices. They collapsed onto the bed, and into each other. Xiumin rested his head on Lay’s shoulder, holding a hand to his chest as a lonely tear slipped away from his eye. Lay swiped his thumb across his cheek, opening his mouth to speak when Xiumin buried his head into his shoulder,

“I love you Yixing….” Sobs racked his entire body as Lay held him closer. Lay stroked Xiumin’s hair, his own tears beginning to spill down his face,

“I love you too Minseok.” He spoke in a strangled whisper, planting a firm kiss on the top of Xiumin’s head before he continued, “This world broke you, and I thought I could fix it but… you’re perfect as you are.”

Xiumin looked up at Lay and met his gaze, a steady flow of hot tears staining their faces. Xiumin spoke,

“Yixing, I-”

Lay grabbed Xiumin’s face and kissed him roughly, cutting off his words. Cutting off his thoughts. Cutting everything away that wasn’t connected to the two of them in that moment. Lay held Xiumin’s face in his hands, pressing their foreheads together, the air between them bending with his words,

“It’s okay, Minseok… It’s okay….”

They made an attempt to wipe the dampness from each other’s faces, Xiumin practically stabbing Lay’s eye in the process. They laughed into a kiss as Xiumin pressed his mouth to Lay’s.

“I love you…” He whispered.

Lay pressed his lips to Xiumin’s ear, “I love you…” 

He planted kisses all over Xiumin’s face, finally falling into a sense of ease. They drew their breath in and out of each other, not breathing separately, but rather, as one entity. And they lay there together; skin to skin.

For so long Xiumin had felt as though he was underwater, but being with Lay felt as if he was resurfacing, taking his first gasp of air.


End file.
